yesterdays and afterthoughts.

trying out again.

2010-03-29T10:05:00.002+08:00

so living alone has its downsides. i don't have anyone to talk to when i get home from work. i just have the TV for companionable chatter.

i need to learn to communicate again and need to learn to explain stuff without groping for the right words. that is why i'm trying to write again. i hope this exercises my brain cells more and my tongue to pronounce words correctly again. i am starting to read aloud. so that i can hear my voice more. work should help me with this but gahd, what a sucky work i have. i can survive a week at work without talking to anyone. everything is virtual! there's YM and email. and i discovered it's still different when you have someone to talk to face to face.

i have been in this sucky work for almost a year now and i am hungry for some human interaction.

good thing i see my boyfriend every Saturday. if not for Saturdays, i need to relearn the whole alphabet over again.

so this is how a death feels.

2008-06-02T09:00:00.005+08:00

my fish died this morning. i saw it floating, bloated, mouth open. i'm still crying and mourning over its death. i don't know when the tears will stop, but i'm sure i wouldn't want to have another fish in the next 20, 30 years. Johann was a good fish. it was the best fish. it was very flexible and almost always happy and knew how to adapt. but this one, it didn't survive. it was a tragedy. the loss left me feeling dispirited.

Johann has been with me for more than 2 years. there are a lot of should-haves, but i know that wouldn't bring Johann back.

i am hurt and in pain. and it's the kind that will be noted down and would not soon be forgotten.

-------------

to --- : ya, whatever.

13 again.

2008-05-31T09:30:00.000+08:00

I got free patron tickets for the The Click Five concert last night (courtesy of Nai). How can I say no to a free concert? ;) We were surrounded by screaming teenagers! Waaaa. So Pi and I just joined them! We screamed, and cheered, and sang along (to songs we knew from MTV). It felt like I was back in highschool - the Hanson, Moffats days. Hahaha.

But I realized, I maybe a bit old for The Click Five. :p Eeeek. Generation gap!

----------
I wanna start writing again!

idontknowwhat.

2008-04-05T23:17:00.001+08:00

ineedanewphonebecauseisoldmyoldphoneinebay. i am addicted to ebay.

weee, weee, weee!

2008-03-25T10:03:00.002+08:00

i'm still on holy-week-break mode. good thing they unblocked Blogger here in the office, i can update my blog now. hihihi. i'm the laziest at work. haaaay. i need inspiration. i want another long break!

--------------
i have extra starbucks planners? who wants them? :)

Back from outer space.

2007-11-21T21:12:00.000+08:00

Sadness brings me back. Hahaha. Watched One More Chance, last full show in Gateway last night. Alone. It was oh, so relaxing. And then I remember that I might be just a stopover, like the character of Maja Salvador, Trisha.

Stressed. The one that makes me just want to forget I exist. The stress that makes me want to go into hibernation and to never come out. The one that makes me want to keep busy so that I won’t have a spare second to think.

I want a new planner.

you have stolen my heart.

2007-09-03T07:07:00.000+08:00

para kay Jorge Robertino Eladio B. Aruta: maligayang bati! :)

nonsense.

2007-09-01T11:49:00.000+08:00

ganito pala ang sabado na wala ka.

wala lang.

2007-08-13T16:06:00.000+08:00

naghanap ako ng away. binigay naman niya. huhu.

------------------
excited na ako to take a long break! pinayagan na ako mag-leave ng Friday! yahoo. :)

hurried.

2007-07-19T19:47:00.000+08:00

for the past months, i have been mostly occupied with work. i have cried more than a couple of times at the office because i was so weighed down by all the responsibilities they have been handing me left and right (since jocyl's leaving). it only gets bigger and bigger every time. i just wish my pocket gets heavier too. hay, libre mangarap. i welcome myself to the world of the overworked and underpaid.

i'm happy with how things are going though. i hope i keep a handle on things at work.

you still make me happy and with you i'm at peace. you're the pleasant coffee break in a rather toxic workday.

me in psycho mode.

2007-07-06T11:16:00.001+08:00

tinotopak ako these past few weeks. sayad to the lowest level. haha. depression attack! joc's leaving, next week na last week niya sa work. i feel so unprepared. i have to meet targets on my own now. haaaay. wala man lang increase!

sabi ni elaine, may happy stress daw? meron nga ba...?

because I relate.

2007-04-27T18:01:00.001+08:00

Others are so anxious of living the future that they forget to live the present, which is the only time that truly exists. We all have equal time throughout the world. No one has more or less. The difference lies in how each one of us does with our time. We need to live each moment. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

:-(

2007-04-27T15:04:00.000+08:00

Sad. Hindi ako nakasama sa Boracay. Hay.

parang wini-wish mo na siya na lang ang --

2007-04-18T10:09:00.000+08:00

para sa mga may pangalan na Devani lang ang post na ito.

Deva, eto ka eh:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. only because you wanted so hard to be in this list

Hmmm. Teka, 10? You sure, nasa top 10 ka?? Pang-50 ka kaya. Nananaginip ka ba?

You.are.what.you.are. Hanggang dun na lang yun.

Isa pa. Eto ka pa.
A. 110%
B. 150%
C. 1%
D. 130%

San ka? Alam mo naman, tinatanong mo pa.

water clouds.

2007-04-10T15:54:00.000+08:00

I've started swim class last night, and so far I'm still alive. The Bully congratulated me for not drowning myself. Hmph. Hihi.

I'm beginning to think I'm a slow learner when I'm in the water. I even forgot how to do my favorite back float! *sigh* And I don't have friends in the class yet.

I'm going to be a good swimmer... Hah, I wish! Ilang beses nga akong napagalitan ng swim coach. I'm so scared of getting water on my face daw. Siyempre naman. Ang hirap kaya huminga.

Waaa, goodluck to me.

strand, collins, atwood, frost, soto.

2007-04-10T09:03:00.000+08:00

I remember all of them. Because I enjoyed my Humanities I class. :)

-------------------------

In a field
I am the absence
of field.
This is
always the case.
Wherever I am
I am what is missing.

When I walk
I part the air
and always
the air moves in
to fill the spaces
where my body's been.

We all have reasons
for moving.
I move
to keep things whole.

-Keeping Things Whole, Mark Strand

so,thisisfeeling.

2007-01-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

Flying Inside Your Own Body

Your lungs fill & spread themselves,
wings of pink blood, and your bones
empty themselves and become hollow.
When you breathe in you’ll lift like a balloon
and your heart is light too & huge,
beating with pure joy, pure helium.
The sun’s white winds blow through you,
there’s nothing above you,
you see the earth now as an oval jewel,
radiant & seablue with love.
It’s only in dreams you can do this.
Waking, your heart is a shaken fist,
a fine dust clogs the air you breathe in;
the sun’s a hot copper weight pressing straight
down on the think pink rind of your skull.
It’s always the moment just before gunshot.
You try & try to rise but you cannot.

Margaret Atwood

these are a few of my favorite things.

2006-12-23T17:58:00.000+08:00

a kiss on the forehead. white-sand beaches. a hammock. a really soft pillow. days where i could just sleep in. mangga at bagoong. back rub. surprises. vanilla ice cream. romance novels. flowers. running. long bus rides. paulo coelho. theme parks. swings. listening to good music. nailbiting. singing out loud. watching concerts. OPM. popcorn. hugs! texting. love-talk. talking on the phone. dangling earrings. bubbles. MTV. milk chocolates. magic sing. christmas. holidays.

being with YOU.

Do you hurt, but still feel alive like never before?

2006-12-22T09:47:00.000+08:00

incongruent thoughts: why do i think the way i do? deva, think, move, act. puro na lang siya, siya, siya! i have to de-clutter, de-stress. i looove john legend. yay, i'll be home for the holidays, happiness! no work! waaa. wawa naman si Johann, magugutom sa Pasko. this is how i think these past few days: happy one sec, sad the next. deva, focus, concentrate, wag ma-distract. haaaay. effort! learn. why am i starting to censor things in my blog? deva, don't.

random thoughts for you: i want to see this work. i am very sure i want to go on. i want you to stay. but i don't know how to keep you or make you stay.

---------------
It's my sister's birthday today! wuvyasomuch. :)

---------------
Song of the day:

You think I'd leave your side baby?
You know me better than that.
You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees?
I wouldn't do that.

If only you could see into me

Oh, when you're cold
I'll be there to hold you tight to me.
When you're on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know.
When you're lost, when you're alone and you can't get back again
I will find you darling, I'll bring you home.

If you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
and in no time you'll be fine.

-Sade, By your side
------------

Merry Christmas everyone! :)

wishlists!

2006-12-20T08:55:00.000+08:00

posting per Elaine's instructions. hehehe.

Lane: plain colored tee (preferably blue or yellow)
stuffed dog (SM)
black office bag
post-its (different sizes, colors, shapes)
kikay and/or formal belt
Starbucks orange water bottle

Abi: mitch albom's new book
vintage shirt (artwork)
malaking, matibay na shoulder bag (green or pink na pang-school)
Starbucks orange water bottle

Deva: John Legend CD!!! (yung may High at Ordinary People) :p
Dicta License CD
Sony Ericsson P800 battery
plain black/brown shoulder (office) bag
black sleeveless top

Pi: fine, hihi, black bag (pang-office)
leotard/leggings/tights - BLACK plain!
locket pendant chain necklace - bronze/gold

Len: Starbucks' gift certificate

Jaja: plain black office bag
and pearl earrings (blue or pink)

Gigi: huy, gi! nasan na wishlist mo?? :p
eto na: plain shirt na hinde black or white (size: small)
black cloth toiletry bag

NOTE from Abi: no floral bags please!
Note from Deva: Huy, bayaran ko pag nag-exceed. Gusto ko yung John Legend. :p

and my countdown begins.

2006-12-20T08:34:00.000+08:00

i always believed i can't write when i'm happy. and yea, i was right. proof to that is the past month or so that i haven't written a mere line, a phrase, anything. so, i am writing now, because i am in the state of zapped-out-happiness again. for what reasons i'm back in this zone, i don't know. well, of course i do.

but let's just leave it at that. for now.

-------------

four more sleeps and i'll be twenty-three. i haven't accomplished much this year, i'm a bit disappointed with myself for almost getting the things i want, but not quite.

-------------
LSS of the moment:

Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
Someday, someday

Right now I know you can tell
I’m down and I’m not doing well
But one day these tears they will all run dry
I won’t have to cry, sweet goodbye

Nina

-------------

still, i'm thankful. i am still here.

i hope you are too.

Toxic.

2006-11-05T09:47:00.000+08:00

Visited an optha to check if there's anything wrong with my eyes, and he said I needed to wear eyeglasses. Waa, ayoko mag-eyeglasses! Next week, visit to the dentist and nutritionist naman. :p

Moulin Rouge with the Bully yesterday, and I knew he thought it was corny. It was not! Haha. Yeah, it was cheesy. :)

To everyone who forgot: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Yay!

------------------

Happy birthday, Eman. :)

it's in the moments.

2006-10-24T09:48:00.000+08:00

Stars

Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same
I've been thinkin maybe I've been partly cloudy, maybe I'm the chance of rain
Maybe I'm overcast, and maybe all my lucks washed down the drain

I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely

[chorus]

But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else
when I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself.

Stars looking at our planet watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane
I've been thinking bout the meaning of resistance, of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home

I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone you look so empty

[chorus]

But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself.

[bridge]

Everyone, everyone we feel so lonely
Everyone, yeah everyone we feel so empty.

[chorus]

When I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I feel like myself

When I look at the stars, the stars
I see someone...

Switchfoot

all under the same sky.

2006-10-21T07:23:00.000+08:00

To Elaine:
When I read this, you came to mind (for no apparent reason). :)

So this is for the girl who needs a break from work and the people from the command center and a break from the world she thought she lost control over.

I know you are happy and fine and okay. Just a reminder: we are here.

Postcards

I'm thinking about you. What else can I say?
The palm trees on the reverse
are a delusion; so is the pink sand.
What we have are the usual
fractured coke bottles and the smell
of backed-up drains, too sweet,
like a mango on the verge
of rot, which we have also.
The air clear sweat, mosquitoes
& their tracks; birds & elusive.

Time comes in waves here, a sickness, one
day after the other rolling on;
I move up, it's called
awake, then down into the uneasy
nights but never
forward. The roosters crow
for hours before dawn, and a prodded
child howls & howls
on the pocked road to school.
In the hold with the baggage
there are two prisoners,
their heads shaved by bayonets, & ten crates
of queasy chicks. Each spring
there's race of cripples, from the store
to the church. This is the sort of junk
I carry with me; and a clipping
about democracy from the local paper.

Outside the window
they're building the damn hotel,
nail by nail, someone's
crumbling dream. A universe that includes you
can't be all bad, but
does it? At this distance
you're a mirage, a glossy image
fixed in the posture
of the last time I saw you.
Turn you over, there's the place
for the address. Wish you were
here. Love comes
in waves like the ocean, a sickness which goes on
& on, a hollow cave
in the head, filling & pounding, a kicked ear.

Margaret Atwood

it's good that you're here.

2006-10-16T19:54:00.000+08:00

had two sticks. and still not okay. gahd, i hope i'm just menstrual.

--------

now, i'm sure i just really am.

walk along the beach vs reading in bed

2006-10-15T11:58:00.000+08:00

Pi, Len, Laine, Abi, everyone, punta tayo!

insignificant blabbering.

2006-10-15T09:41:00.000+08:00

Happiness shouldn't be dependent on other people.

I am responsible for my feelings.

Blame everything to PMS.

-----------------

The indefinable ache is back. And I think it's going to stay a while.

the sound of a heart breaking.

2006-10-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

Did you hear?

Losing streak.

2006-10-11T21:15:00.000+08:00

Yay. I'm on my third day in Aklan. Having fun so far. We're staying at Sampaguita Gardens, where everyday is Christmas! We'll be in Boracay this Friday. Can't wait to be negra! :p

Lost my bet with Robbie! He won the Sony Ericsson W300i phone. Gah. Palagi na lang akong talo. Huhu.

-----------------

I miss my bed. I miss Johanne, too.

dizzy and falling.

2006-10-08T09:50:00.000+08:00

Went to Galleria yesterday to get Cebu Pacific tickets. Played Drummania with my Drummania coach, hehe. I'm getting better, 'no? :p
Then Eastwood to watch Talladega Nights, some more drum playing, dinner then Jack's Loft. And weng-weng killed me quick. So I was dizzy and my head was heavy and I was laughing a lot.

Good thing the Drummania coach ordered me coffee.

I hope I didn't say/do things I shouldn't have said/done.

It was a beautiful day, nonetheless.

-----------------

Things to do today:
1. Laundry.
2. Clean Johanne's (fish)bowl.
3. Pack my bag for the week in Aklan.
4. Sleep early.

-----------------

Kanta daw ni Champ Lui-Pio for Anne Curtis(?!):

I've said this a million times before
And i'm sayin'
But all that i need
And all that i bleed
And all that i care for
Is you

And all that i need
And all that i bleed
And all that i care for
Is you

I miss you..
-Waltz, Hale

Eeeeeeeek!

Bright ideas.

2006-10-04T20:11:00.000+08:00

Laine and Abi slept over last night and they stole my bed from me! And Pol! Waaaah. But because I'm, aherm, very nice and very kind, I let them have my bed. Haha. Hindi lang ako nakakatulog ng maayos pag may katabi. :p

Saturday will be recognition day! Hahaha. ;) Thanks, Laine. I recognize the reaaally bright ideas. They're exceedingly bright. As mine are, too. :)

I want a haircut.

With eight seconds left in overtime.

2006-10-03T06:00:00.000+08:00

Can't get you out of my head.
--------------

I woke up 30 minutes earlier today. Waa, I'm worried sick. Why the 12:02 message? Enlighten me, please.

--------------

Three straight nights now and you're always the star of my air castle.

boohoo.

2006-10-02T20:37:00.000+08:00

Ateneo lost. Haaaaaaaaaay.

----------------

I now have a sister-in-law. Weee. 'Love you both, Kuya and Doyce. :)

Dreamland exit, please.

2006-09-26T21:32:00.000+08:00

Wake up and stop making those weird thoughts.

------------------

Pi to me: Freakazoid!

:p
------------------

Whatafun-and-interesting-talk with Beth and Ian.

naalala ko lang bigla.

2006-09-25T22:15:00.000+08:00

I almost forgot how much I love Billy Collins.

--------------------

I Chop Some Parsley While Listening To Art Blakey's Version Of "Three Blind Mice"

And I start wondering how they came to be blind.
If it was congenital, they could be brothers and sister,
and I think of the poor mother
brooding over her sightless young triplets.

Or was it a common accident, all three caught
in a searing explosion, a firework perhaps?
If not,
if each came to his or her blindness separately,

how did they ever manage to find one another?
Would it not be difficult for a blind mouse
to locate even one fellow mouse with vision
let alone two other blind ones?

And how, in their tiny darkness,
could they possibly have run after a farmer's wife
or anyone else's wife for that matter?
Not to mention why.

Just so she could cut off their tails
with a carving knife, is the cynic's answer,
but the thought of them without eyes
and now without tails to trail through the moist grass

or slip around the corner of a baseboard
has the cynic who always lounges within me
up off his couch and at the window
trying to hide the rising softness that he feels.

By now I am on to dicing an onion
which might account for the wet stinging
in my own eyes, though Freddie Hubbard's
mournful trumpet on "Blue Moon,"

which happens to be the next cut,
cannot be said to be making matters any better.

Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall.*

2006-09-24T17:46:00.000+08:00

I feel like my brother is being robbed away from me. He's getting married this week and I'm definite that I'm going to cry at the wedding. Haaaay.

-------------------

Today: Asian Forum on CSR at the Crowne Plaza.

Weekend: Did the laundry. Cleaned-up my closet. Watched My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Eat Bulaga, Philippine Idol and Pinoy Dream Academy. Went to KFC with Len - talked about our Moms and their ex-boyfriends, the ones that came before our Pops.

Friday: Eastwood, Bedroom. Drummania. Fun. :)

-------------------

To whoever: Harumpfh. Snob!

-------------------

Some interesting stuff I wrote in my old blog last year, February 24: nagtext siya sa kin kanina, asking if we could talk sa YM. i was finishing my thesis at the lib, so hindi rin kami nakapag-usap. hinihintay nya lang daw girlfriend niya lumabas ng class. hmm, meantime girl na din ba ako?! oh well.

Haha, ilusyunada.

Apologies, again.

2006-09-23T10:36:00.000+08:00

Oo na, masama na akong tao.
Pasensya na po.

---------------------

Sorry kay mamang pedicab driver na nasabihan ko ng: "Kuya, ambaho mo naman."

Sorry dun sa manong sa Corte Real na inaway ko dahil nauna kami sa pila sa pagbili ng footlong.

---------------------

Apologies to the girl You love. I know, I am the one who's psycho. Sooooper sorry.

---------------------

And to anyone I have hurt, in any possible way at any given time, I'M SORRY.

rollercoasters and seesaws.

2006-09-04T21:40:00.000+08:00

Pi and I were talking about Luis Katigbak and Fourteen Love Stories. And I remembered this poem (by Anne Sexton, which is one of my favorites, aside from Mark Strand and Gary Soto's poems :p) from Humanities I:

For My Lover, Returning to His Wife

She is all there.
She was melted carefully down for you
and cast up from your childhood,
cast up from your one hundred favorite aggies.

She has always been there, my darling.
She is, in fact, exquisite.
Fireworks in the dull middle of February
and as real as a cast-iron pot.

Let's face it, I have been momentary.
A luxury. A bright red sloop in the harbor.
My hair rising like smoke from the car window.
Littleneck clams out of season.

She is more than that. She is your have to have,
has grown you your practical your tropical growth.
This is not an experiment. She is all harmony.
She sees to oars and oarlocks for the dinghy,

has placed wild flowers at the window at breakfast,
sat by the potter's wheel at midday,
set forth three children under the moon,
three cherubs drawn by Michelangelo,

done this with her legs spread out
in the terrible months in the chapel.
If you glance up, the children are there
like delicate balloons resting on the ceiling.

She has also carried each one down the hall
after supper, their heads privately bent,
two legs protesting, person to person,
her face flushed with a song and their little sleep.

I give you back your heart.
I give you permission -

for the fuse inside her, throbbing
angrily in the dirt, for the bitch in her
and the burying of her wound -
for the burying of her small red wound alive -

for the pale flickering flare under her ribs,
for the drunken sailor who waits in her left pulse,
for the mother's knee, for the stockings,
for the garter belt, for the call -

the curious call
when you will burrow in arms and breasts
and tug at the orange ribbon in her hair
and answer the call, the curious call.

She is so naked and singular.
She is the sum of yourself and your dream.
Climb her like a monument, step after step.
She is solid.

As for me, I am a watercolor.
I wash off.

--Anne Sexton, Love Poems

Hay.
-------------

Steve Irwin died! One of the reasons I can't make myself learn how to swim - I'm scared of underwater creatures. :p

-------------

Just one text message from you makes me so uber happy or so uber sad.

Saturday: so extremely happy, HAPPY.
Today: zapped-out-happiness SAD.

Dalawa.

2006-09-02T14:46:00.000+08:00

To Jorge Robertino B. Aruta:

Happy birthday!

-------------------------------
Song of the day:

Life it seems, slips away
Just like any dream
All I want is all I need
Still I ask for more

Say, say why is it so
Wait, wait don't let me know

Everytime I see you
My life turns upside down
Everytime I see you I know

Love it seems, slips away
Just like any dream
I failed to see this memory
Means so much to me

Say, say why is it so
Wait, wait don't let me know

Everytime I see you
My life turns upside down
Tried so hard to find out
How to make you come back
But even if I told you
I can't hold you again
Everytime I see you I know

Everytime I see you
My life turns upside down
I tried so hard to find out
How to make you come back
But even if I told you
I can't hold you again
Everytime I see you I know

Everytime I see you
My life turns upside down
-Everytime I see you, Fra Lippo Lippi

--------------------

make me alive. make me suffer. make me feel.

2006-08-29T10:53:00.000+08:00

oo na, crush na kita until now.
sobra, uber, mega crush.
ilang taon na nga 'to eh.

and i'm sure there'd be more years for me to count.

The one that got away.

2006-07-26T21:25:00.000+08:00

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with... and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person; there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a long-time partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple... find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

By Mark J. Macapagal

Excerpts.

2006-07-26T21:08:00.000+08:00

“You cannot control the past nor can you really control the future. What you can control one hundred percent is this moment.” – Joe D’ Mango

On waiting:

“I’ve learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not beside me.” – Maria, Eleven Minutes (Paulo Coelho)

On the one who got away:

“I must have sounded to eager but to hell with appearances: this was the first guy who ever made me feel as if I have the ability to levitate.”

“It had been eight years, and I thought I had attained closure. I then realized that I had been carrying a torch for him, a torch that secretly burned in my subconscious.”

– TinTin Cayetano, My English Classmate

--------------------------

Dahil tinatamad ako. Hihi. :)

---------------------------

And I'm happy for both of you, Gi and Ton.

Lane and me: Nakakaingget! Haha. :p

Things you have to wait for*

2006-07-10T20:58:00.000+08:00

words to be said.
the train, bus, jeep, cab.
your boyfriend (or whoever) to pick you up.
you favorite tv/radio program.
someone to wake up or fall asleep.
meals to be cooked or food to be served.
the rain to stop or the sun to shine.
the phone to ring.
the people you're meeting with.
mornings or evenings.
your hair to grow longer.
your turn in a queue.
your mobile phone to finish recharging.
paydays, holidays, birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's, summer, breaks.
opportunities.
attention/affection.
a sale.
your favorite band to play in a concert.
your favorite song to be played.
your plants to grow.
a kiss, a hug, a smile, a touch.
some silliness or foolishness, or seriousness.
sleep to come.
things to be fixed.
the pain to end, aches to stop or wounds to heal.
silence, solace or peace.
ideas to come out.
your search to cease.
time together.
a doctor's diagnosis.
a fight or a war to finish.
weekends or day-offs.
your work to end or classes to start.
the plane to land; the bus to stop.
you to grow slim/fat/whiter.
things to heat up or cool down.
someone to die; or someone to continue living.
a person to move on.
a story to conclude.
a distraction.
excitement.
happiness.
a break-up or a patch-up.
your one true love.

I figured that almost half (or three-fourths) of our life we spend waiting. So, why grow tired of waiting when you've been primed to do just that?

Anyone else who wants to add stuff to the list? :)

*or want to wait for

silent things.

2006-06-19T10:46:00.000+08:00

Hay.

I am sorry for everything I did wrong. I am totally responsible for all of them. It is always my intention not to hurt anybody, but I always end up doing the opposite.

I know I have made some wrong decisions and will make some more, but I'd like to think I'm learning through these experiences. I am trying to be a better me.

To anyone that I have hurt, in whatever way, I truly apologize.

Believe that I did not mean it - I wasn't thinking, I was being selfish - but I know I am responsible and I am sorry.

Things that stop you in your tracks.

2006-06-15T23:16:00.000+08:00

Well, what about love? Love ennobles. Love hurts. Love nourishes. Love enslaves. Love is the opposite of indifference. Love abides and love vanishes.Love enthralls and love alerts. Love illuminates our path. Love robs us blind.

Imagine that you married this first love. You did not break up because he went off to college and found someone else. You stayed together, even though some days you felt trapped and doomed to mediocrity. Imagine your life with him now. Picture your house, your apartment. Look around your things, at his. Walk into every room and out into the yard. You can smell supper cooking, hear music on the stereo. Who lives here? Do you have children? Pets? Now it's morning and you're driving to work - where do you work? - and you realize that something is missing in your life. It's what keeps you up at night. It's what you need before you die.

-John Dufresne, Deep in the Shade of Paradise

241*

2006-06-15T22:55:00.000+08:00

Ikaw pa rin ang hinahanap ko.

-Dianetic, Pupil

-----------------------------------
Overheard somewhere:

Girl: I haven't told you this yet, but yeah, I love you. Now, I'm really sure of it.

Guy: I already love someone else.

Girl: I know.

Silence.

Girl: Gusto ko lang na malaman mo na mahal kita. After all this time, it's still you. And it will always be you. However hard I try to put a closure to this, I can't. So might as well accept things as they are. I love you and I'll continue loving you until my heart gets tired, I guess. You'll always have me.

-----------------------------------

Ouch. Double ouch.

-----------------------------------
What is L-O-V-E?!?
-----------------------------------
*...but somebody owns you now.
-Rivermaya

noted.

2006-06-05T22:19:00.000+08:00

Happy love has no history.

Love warps the mind a little.

Sadness is everyone's secret.

---------------------

To everyone: Go, take risks. Be ready to be hurt.

---------------------

Why can't she be truly, completely happy? Just when she thinks nothing can go wrong and everything is already perfect, one thing or another ruins everything. Always. Maybe she shouldn't be too happy. Maybe she should think that she has no control over people and feelings. Things just happen and sometimes, it's really someone's fault and not hers. Maybe she shouldn't feel too bad.

---------------------

I'm alright. I'm alright. It only hurts when I breathe. -Breathe, Greenwheel

over strawberry milkshake

2006-06-02T01:58:00.000+08:00

love and guy talk again. i don't think we'll ever tire of this topic. haha. ;)

'love my friends! hihi. even if we're dysfunctional and all, i still learn a lot from you. you make me feel sane. thanks for just listening. and being honest. :)

reconstituting

2006-05-28T20:06:00.000+08:00

Haaay. Grief-stricken. Why do we have to work so hard to get some happiness?

Reminder to self: You can't always reverse the decisions you make.

Elusive happiness.

one piece

2006-04-12T23:07:00.000+08:00

Come on baby get your shoes on
You're looking like you need a rescue
Underneath the southern moonlight
Where only I can find you
We can do it with our eyes closed
We can sit and talk for hours
Underneath the golden flowers
Where my sunshine grows

Sugar my love
Sugar my burn
Sugar may hide
Sugar may learn

I could give a thousand reasons
I could live a thousand lives
I know I would always meet you
Underneath a summer sky
So come on tell me love is glory
Come on tell me love is real
Show me what your heart is made of
Show me what I need to feel

Tonic, Sugar

----------------

Belated hbd Abi! Thanks for the food, the swim, the videoke, and the phone accessory.:)And the opportunity to wear swimsuits! Wah.

talk shows on mute

2006-04-03T22:00:00.000+08:00

love work. Ü

hihi.

sana holy week na! :) vacay!

kings of convenience

2006-03-29T22:16:00.000+08:00

Frances, my thesis partner from college, was recounting moments with this new guy from work. She was telling me how they were all 'sweet and mushy' - but only when they're texting. They have to be professional at work daw. Rrright. What crap. I told her: 'Convenient ka lang siguro. Globe ka kasi. Naka-unlimitxt lang yun.' Haha. And I added that he might be only looking for a summer fling and that he's probably still stuck up on his ex. He just wants a diversion, a convenient one.

Speaking of convenience and the letter x, I still think the x is more convenient, my case taken.

You already know the ins and outs of her - what pisses her off, how to make her laugh, her family who you might even be attached to because you spent a long time together, and her friends (and some of them are your friends too). You most likely have the same hobbies and interests. You loved her. You see each other almost everyday. She needs to call you up and text you and send you funny e-mails. You need to text her and talk to her too. And she shares a job with you. She's a Globe user. Wow. Nice. Fun. ;P

Me, on the other hand, you still have to figure out - what pisses me off, what makes me smile or laugh, I'm not even sure if you know the name of my parents, even my friends. We only have one friend in common. We don't have the same hobbies and interests. We don't get to see each other everyday. And if I want to see you, I have to sometimes pretend I'm not tired from working and stay awake until I get my fill for the day. (And if ever you want to see me - same thing - effort.) I have to wait for days for free, undivided attention. Well, I also need to call you up and text you and send you spam e-mails (I don't even know if you read them). We definitely have different jobs. Pero Globe user din ako.

I'm just tired of effort.

But then, I'm not one who gives up easily.

--------------

This is the insecure me talking.

--------------

PMS-ing! Waaah.

One-time mush entry.*

2006-03-22T09:45:00.000+08:00

I hate you for not giving up on me, for being so patient and understanding, for knowing what I need and knowing when to pacify it, for being able to read my thoughts and being able to work on them subtly.

I loathe you for getting my point, almost always, even if I haven’t explained, for making me smile when I’m near damned pissed and for saying just the appropriate things when I need to hear them.

I absolutely abhor you for telling me I’m wrong, but accepting me for who and what I really am.

Amid all this hatred I feel towards you, I wouldn’t have wanted you any other way. ;)

I like you, just by being.

*For the new You. Thanks. :)

survivor

2006-03-18T08:27:00.000+08:00

I survived the exile. Haha. I was sent to Tagaytay for a 3-day HIV/AIDS Monitoring and Evaluation workshop and gahd, I got lost at times. I am so just not prepared. But, taken everything into consideration, it was fun. :)

Belated hbd Romar!

dramachine

2006-03-14T21:07:00.000+08:00

Everyone is in drama mode. What the hell. Uso na ba ito ngayon?

I woke up feeling bad because I know I said things that are in the list of the things I am not supposed to say because it produces only bad outcomes. And they did. I fought with a few persons. I lost to all of them. Fuck. Thank you for making life hard for me. I know I suck.

Happy birthday to Mimilou. ☺ Miss you. When are you coming back?

i'm a little bit of crazy.

2006-03-11T10:50:00.000+08:00

updates!

i'll give you them next time, haha.

i like work, surprisingly.

and i have been thinking again. shet. sorry. Sa Kanya has been singing all over my head for these past few days... *sighs*

'Sa kanya pa rin babalik.' ang sigaw ng damdamin.
'Sa kanya pa rin sasaya.' ang bulong ng puso ko...

yipee.

2006-02-16T13:41:00.000+08:00

It was an almost perfect day, except that I got sick. Over-excitement! Yay! Haha. My throat still hurts like hell.

Thank you for cooking for me. :)

----------------

I'm still waiting for the results of the psychological and medical exams. I hope I start work next week. I would really miss talking to him, though. :p

----------------

Belated happy birthday, Io. Oo, sige, ka-birthday mo si John Pratts at si Kris Aquino. Hihi.

addition

2006-02-13T17:49:00.000+08:00

to sum it all up: :)

shet, happiness.

happy valentine's day everyone.

february stars

2006-02-09T10:00:00.000+08:00

Why does everyone seem to be happy…? What’s with February anyway? *sighs*
-------------------

I agree with him. So far, it has been a good two weeks. Hope for more.

-------------------

I dreamt of you again. Sucks. Leave me be, please. Shoot, I just miss you. I’m still stuck in the same damn place, waiting. I know you’re not coming back. Screw you. I beg you, please come back.

-------------------

I’m still wishing I get the job. The exam – naknampuch, ‘wag na natin pag-usapan. :p

overdue

2006-01-30T08:39:00.000+08:00

The interview wasn't bad at all. However, I found out from Elaine that -that- one doesn't really count, since the final decision will still be HR's. Argh. And, by the way, there's competition. One who's more technically experienced than me.

Don't wanna worry about that though. Forget work!

I'm wishing our phone has a ringer. Haaaaay. I'm reminded of someone when he talks. And this is not going to be easy, I tell you.

-------------------------

I really wasn't expecting anything. I enjoy listening to him when he talks. :) Haha. And he was the first person who told me that I have nice hands (which I don't think is true :p). Great.

-------------------------

Len just told me I missed seeing Pat. Hmph, sayang.

-------------------------

Happy birthday, Onangpot. :)

headache

2006-01-24T13:36:00.000+08:00

I really am a girl, by the way. Hmph. Just what do you really mean by that??

And I am a jedi master. Thanks to You, I learned how to court a guy. Now I'm a pro. :p

--------------

Wish me luck on my interview on the 26th. Truly hope I get in.

Happy birthday to the weird and creepy Caspian. Hehe.

woohoo!

2006-01-22T15:31:00.000+08:00

Waaaah. Panalo si Pacman. Happiness! :)

-----------------

Funny how a weekend with friends can sort-of clear out the mind. Eventhough, by consensus, we didn't resolve anything. Thanks for accepting me as I am. Haha. wuv u.

Rrright.

2006-01-18T16:04:00.000+08:00

It was, generally, okay. Kind of nice. Momentary happiness.

Don't make me like you, please. Stop being so nice. I don't wanna like you. *sigh*

Oh well.

----------------------------------
After all, I'll always come back to YOU.

5 tips for a happy life*

2006-01-17T10:33:00.000+08:00

1. have a guy to help you with work.
2. have a guy to love you.
3. have a guy who can make you laugh.
4. have a guy who spoils you.
5. make sure that these four guys don't know each other.

...or better yet have just one guy who satisfies all the above (except number 5, of course. haha ;p).

*courtesy of Pinky. :)
------------------------------------------

Tulad ng isang panaginip,
ako ay gagapang sa isip mo.
Bawat halik ay tanda ng pangako
na ako'y sa 'yo at magiging akin ka
sa puso't kaluluwa.

..Walang pakialam
sa araw at buwan,
basta't alam ko lang
na akin ka.

-Dianetic, Pupil

capital o + capital a = me.

2006-01-16T17:11:00.000+08:00

Things i learned during the bus-ride home:

1. I have gone completely psycho. I am NOT thinking right. Woohoo.
2. I shouldn't have acted like a ditched girlfriend. Apologies.
3. I don't push people away, I scare them away.
4. I definitely, certainly SCARE people away.
5. WTF is wrong with me?

*sigh*

Lunatia.

---------------------------------------------

Had a Barbie marathon weekend again with Aya. :)

---------------------------------------------

WAAAAAAH. I have an interview on the 23rd! Wish me luck. Shet, I really want this job. I sooooooo want the job. Haaaaay. I hope I get in. Please pray for me. Ü

sinigang

2006-01-13T12:54:00.000+08:00

Nagluto kami ni Len ng sinigang na baboy kahapon. Masarap daw sabi ni H.Ü

I was arguing with Pi and Len about the procedure. I can't seem to get the flow of it. Haha.

This shut me up:
Pi: Deva, you complicate things.

Rrright. Can you run the procedure again? One last time. I am not gonna interrupt. I'll listen. Honest. :)

updates

2006-01-12T09:58:00.000+08:00

Wala na naman akong work. Goodluck to me. ;p Ako ba talaga may problema o hindi ko palang nahahanap ang nararapat para sa 'kin...? Haha.

Sabi ko hindi na 'ko magtetext, pero dahil mababa EQ ko, ayun. There's goes my new year resolution. Lumipad na sa hangin.

Eto ang drama ko ngayon:

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

Do i really push people away?

thanks to Martin.

2005-12-23T09:11:00.000+08:00

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

when will this end, it goes on and on...

2005-12-19T19:18:00.000+08:00

sabi nga ni dufresne, 'write to forget'.

i just want to forget this moment. and to remind myself that life does not always give us what we want.

for the longest time, i have been pining for that single person. i hate the feeling. i know i was just one unimportant act he passed along the way. but stubborn as i am, i kept thinking that i can change things. i want to be important. i want to be his everything. i'll do all in my power to make me his everything. but i can only do so much. that's the sad part. i learned that life is a two-way street.

and now, i just want to stop wanting. i want to forget.

i have been a fool. i threw my pride away and laid my heart at his feet and all he said was it was too late. fuck timing.

i want to wait. four, six, eight more years. but right now, i'm sure he has the choice not to pass that same act again. and i'm lost. for once in my life, i lost control. i am doing something that is not in my plans. i did not choose this. i didn't choose to be stuck here.

to You:
you're the reason i have a blog. however, i like to think that you are not the reason i exist. but at this minute, i feel that you are. i know you're happy with your life and content with that girl you chose. i know she's right for you. i feel you are happy with her. and all i have been wishing for is your happiness. you didn't find that with me the first time, because i was reluctant to give you that. when the time came that i was complete and ready, you were not there anymore. and i forgot to tell you i'll come back. i was expecting you'd be there where i left you. i guess, you grew tired of my drama. i'm sorry.

i will not be texting you anymore. that's a hard feat for me and you know it. so, merry christmas, happy new year, happy valentine's, happy birthday and happy christmas again. there. i don't need to text you for a year.

by the way, that RPG we're playing, i'm not the least bit interested in. but just the thought that we can meet there, some place some time, gives me a sense of hope and happiness, that we'll have a moment exclusive to us, away from the real world. there, i won't hurt because you're beside me, running through pastures, hunting down enemies. there, i am your ally. i am your right hand. and you are my partner.

pi, len... lubid, please.

sick

2005-12-14T19:19:00.000+08:00

i feel sick.

hindi na talaga ako magtetext sa kanya ever.

as in.

promise.

oh well.

sleepless

2005-12-12T00:47:00.000+08:00

When you won't take no for an answer,
you might still have a chance to get what you want.

I hope I will.